How Belief Systems Can Create Bad Family Behaviour Patterns…
NINE ways to help yourself and your children to create workable patterns.
How Belief Systems Can Create Bad Family Behaviour Patterns and 9
ways to help yourself and your children to create workable patterns.
What is a Belief System And Why Is It so Powerful in Creating Behaviour
Last weekend I saw a family in turmoil. The boys are 3 and 5 years old. The
parents are loving and caring. Their life is chaos!
The children cannot be in the same room with each other without someone
getting hurt or something getting broken. The parents are reactive and loud.
The children cry often and are sent away to their rooms regularly. The boys
don’t want to fight. They don’t want to break things and they don’t want to
be sent away. They want to be validated, supported and embraced. What is
wrong? What belief systems have caused this pattern of behaviour?
Parenthood is challenging. Anyone can be a parent. It doesn’t take a
university education, diploma or a permit. We all know what it takes. And
sometimes, it happens in the blink of an eye. What next?
This beautiful child enters the world in love with, and open to everything.
He has a clean mind and an open heart. He is like a sponge. How we, as
caregivers, behave towards that child, and towards each other, forms the
basis of his belief systems and hence his self-esteem. It is not what we say
but what we do that forms these beliefs. You have heard the saying “ actions
speak louder than words”. It is so true.
Now back to the loving parents who are beside themselves with the chaos in
their relationship with their children. When two people come together to
form a family, they each have been brought up differently to some extent.
We do, however, have a tendency to attract people into our lives who display
similar behaviour patterns to what we are used to. I believe that these parents
were brought up in an environment where control was a large factor. In fact,
in general, parents feel that control is an important factor in child rearing.
When children behave badly, it is a reflection on the parent.
The need for control for these parents has caused power struggles that
dominate their lives. These behaviour patterns have been passed on from
previous generations and will be perpetuated if unchecked.
Here are a few tips to explore in helping you to eliminate the stress around
your family and some techniques to bring serenity and peace in your home. I
suggest that you first look at your beliefs around being a parent and find out
what is not working. Remember that self-esteem is the most important thing
that you can help your child to develop.
1. Children are not adults. Parents want their children to think and
behave like adults, which they cannot do.
2. Children need to be involved in creating harmony in their lives. They
need to be part of a plan that everyone works together on.
3. Let go of the need to control them. Controlling another person never
works for the good of anyone. Even though children are young and
inexperienced, they are still equal human beings. Their self-esteem
suffers, if they have no choice.
4. Sometimes when children are too young to understand, distracting
them is more useful than emphasizing their behaviour.
5. Stop the knee-jerk reactions. Count 5 seconds before responding to an
unfortunate event with your children. Then you are in a position to
figure out what happened and what works best.
6. Try to avoid rewarding good behaviour. It assumes that they are
inherently bad. Encourage and approve of their accomplishments.
7. When they fight, tell them you love them and it hurts you to see them
treating one another badly.
8. As parents, you need to both be on the same page. You need to be
consistent with how you deal with your children.
9. I suggest the book “ Children the Challenge” by Rudolf Dreikurs. It is
the best book I have ever read about bringing up children. It is based
on natural and logical consequences. It is intelligent. I love it!
by Janet Robinson